Whatever Happened to Torchwood?
by emilie420
Summary: What Team Torchwood gets up to during events in 'The Sarah Jane Adventures'. Pure CRACK.
1. Bubble Shock

This is what happened with the Torchwood team during 'Invasion of the Bane'.

* * *

"I'm warning you, Jack, I play a mean game of - Drink Bubble Shock," Owen said, rising from the foosball table.

"What the fuck?" said Jack.

"Drink Bubble Shock," said Gwen.

"And me!" Ianto chimed in, before looking shifty and then zombie-like, with a "Drink Bubble Shock."

Tosh bounced around the room going crazy. "DRINK BUBBLE SHOCK BITCHES! MWAHAHAHA! BUBBLE SHOCK IS FOR _YOU!"_ She jumped off the table to point and shout in Jack's face. "_DRINK IT, SQUARE!"_

Jack sighed. "_Torchwood. _Why'd I even get involved in this mess? Oh yeah, my emo love for the Doctor."

"DRINK BUBBLE SHOCK," everyone said to him.

He made a'W' with his fingers, with an added, "Fuck off," before retreating to his office. He pulled out some intergalactic porn that fell through the Rift a couple of days ago and read it behind some unfinished paperwork, and ignored his team walking into the surrounding walls repeatedly.

* * *

Yeah...R&R?


	2. Blue Suns and Occupied Cells

This is what Team Torchwood got up to during the events in "Revenge of the Slitheen", or whatever it was called.

* * *

Tosh and Owen looked at the computer screen in shock.

"There's a bunch of aliens that have taken over a school!" Tosh read out.

Gwen rushed into the Hub. "The _sun _is _blue!_!!"

"That too," Owen said dryly.

"Come on! Let's go find Jack and Ianto so we can save the day!" roused Gwen.

"I think they were checking out one of the cells..." Tosh trailed off, biting her lip nervously.

They all looked unsure. Jack and Ianto alone in a cell? But they went to check it out anyway, the sun _was_ blue after all.

Sure enough, they were in the cells, having sex.

"OH GOD," said Gwen.

"Ee!" screeched Tosh.

"I'm gay," Owen blurted.

"PEOPLE! We're busy!" Jack called. And that they were. People walking in on them did _not_ apparently halt their movements.

"Bu-but, the _sun! _It's _blue!" _Gwen sputtered.

"So?" Jack barked. "Listen, I spend practically every day saving the world from aliens, can't I just screw my employee in peace for ONE MOMENT!?"

Ianto groaned.

"_No_," Tosh said, "So - "

"That was a rhetorical question!" Jack yelled. "LEAVE!"

"SIR!" cried Ianto.

"Ah!" said Tosh and Gwen, running out of the room.

And Owen just stood there, watching, until Tosh ran back in and dragged him out of the room.

* * *

Ha, that's about the closest I can get to writing smut. :shakes head:

* * *


	3. Gridlock

This is what the Torchwood team did during "Eye of the Gorgon."

* * *

"Right, there are strange spikes in Rift activity centering around this church," said Tosh, pointing towards it on the computer map.

"I don't wanna go investigating some _church_," groused Owen.

"Well, if it's that big of a deal, you can stay at the Hub and do paperwork and Ianto can take your place," said Jack loftily. Owen nearly said yes just because Jack wasn't expecting him to, but then decided paperwork wasn't worth it. He still, after all, had reports that needed finishing from six months ago. And a few before those months. And a particularly nasty one from a couples of years ago...Anyway.

"I'll go with the church," muttered Owen, as Ianto made a small, pathetic sound in the back of his throat, and considered poisoning himself with cyanide in his coffee once he got back to the Hub.

Jack ignored Ianto's frowny face in favor of looking smugly at Owen, and then he and the rest of the team (except for Ianto, who was crying and trying to catch a taxi) made their way to the SUV to go check out the church.

"I always hated church," recalled Owen. "Mum used to make me go, it was so boring, and I never believed in any of that crap. I finally managed to get myself kicked out by questioning the existence of god to a point where the pastor couldn't come up with a suitable refute. Ha."

"I never went," shrugged Tosh.

"Where I grew up, religion had died out centuries ago," said Jack offhandedly. The rest of this team quickly catologued this information about Jack.

"So I was the only one who ever went to church willingly as a kid?" asked Gwen.

"Well, Ianto probably went, too. Why? Does it matter?" Jack said.

"Well, no."

"Then button it," suggested Owen wisely.

The SUV made it's way in silence down the highway, until they got caught in a giant traffic jam.

"Oh, this is _brilliant_," Owen complained, throwing his hands up in the air.

"HEYY!" shouted Jack, sticking his head out the window. "WE NEED TO GET THROUGH!"

"Yeah, well so do the rest of us!" someone shouted back, while others either gave him a rude hand gesture or beeped threateningly at him.

"BUT WE'RE _TORCHWOOD!_ THE SUPER SECRET ORGINIZATION THAT'S OUTSIDE THE GOVERNMENT, BEYOND THE POLICE, AND UNDER THE MILLENNIUM CENTRE! DO YOU HEAR THAT? OR SEE IT IN THE GIANT SCRIPT ON OUR OFFICIAL-LOOKING BIG BLACK SUV? T-O-R-C-H-W-O-O-D."

He was ignored.

"Great. So now what are we going to do while we wait?" asked Jack, turning around to face the rest of the team (sans Ianto).

"...Sex?" suggested Owen.

Jack stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Hmmm...It could work..."

"_No_," said Tosh and Gwen in unison.

"Does anyone have any beer, then?" asked Owen hopefully.

"Of course not, Owen, don't be daft! This is a very important orginization, we can't just...what are you doing?" Gwen asked Jack, who was in the process of getting out four shot glasses.

"This is Torchwood, Gwen. Of course we have booze stashed in the SUV."

"Ooh! Let's play 'Never Have I Ever'!" exclaimed Tosh, who was removing the keyboards to make a table for the glasses.

"Okay," Owen started, once the drinks had been poured. "Never have I ever knowingly shagged an alien."

Jack downed his shot.

And so it began.

* * *

Heh. My favorite so far.

* * *


End file.
